- Shame Revisited (Blackbird)

I've been thinking today about shame and how insidious it is. It sneaks up on us when we least suspect it, choking the spirit and suffocating potential. It disturbs our equilibrium and destroys our self-confidence.

Shame is crippling. So often, it is linked to our past. It tells us that nothing has changed. Emotionally and mentally, it brings us to the same turf, time after time. We do not know why we are on that same turf yet again; we only know that the turf looks, feels and smells the same, and that once again, we are standing on it, if not mired and sinking into it.

Most aspects that cause us shame are areas we can hide, or disguise, so that the world does not see them.

- If our shame is due to an eating disorder, we learn to hide it from others (although in its advanced forms, as with anorexia, people will eventually notice something is wrong);

- If shame comes through irrational fears or phobias, we can studiously avoid any possible situations in life where we would be confronted with that fear, especially where others might see us reacting;

- If our continuing financial insufficiency brings shame and we continually find ourselves broke, we can make excuses for not hanging out with certain people; not attending certain functions where we would feel "less than". We can deliberately associate with people who are "more poor" than we are; not that this is wrong, but if the motive is to avoid shame and feel a bit better about ourselves, we may be avoiding the root of the issue.

- If shame arises through the consequences we feel as a result of choosing the wrong types of romantic partners, we can hide for awhile; pretending our relationships are functional, normal and happy. Inwardly, though, we can feel ourselves empty, alone and foolish.

The point is, shame can and will place us in a position of having to pretend or hide. Shame can work in the life of every person, yet play a completely different role in each life.

It also serves as a mocker. It is as if shame sits on your shoulder and speaks to you, pointing out all the people surrounding you who are (seemingly) glowingly successful in the very area you are not. 

For example, if you are someone who feels you are not particularly talented in anything particular, you may find your world full of gifted people wherever you look. It will be as if you are the only untalented person in the room, in your social circle; in fact, in your entire universe.

If you are single and ashamed of it, you will be painfully aware of happy couples cuddling wherever you look. There may be other single people around you who are also feeling ashamed, but because of your shame-wound, you will be acutely aware of those happy couples all over your landscape, and at times it will feel as  though a knife is twisting in your heart.

If your dream was always to have intelligent, well-behaved children, and your children remind you of wild, unruly horses with ADD and a report full of C-minuses, you will no doubt become painfully aware of all the perfect mothers with perfect children who behave like perfect little ladies and gentlemen and who win awards in school for perfect report cards and good behavior.

One mother recently told me of her experience in this whole area of children. Her daughter had dropped out of high school and was living a life very contrary to the one she had been brought up to live. Around this same time, the neighbor's daughter graduated high school and on prom night, a limousine pulled up in front of the house to take her off to the celebrations.

My friend, who is a very gracious, lovely person, walked out to meet the neighbor's daughter as she was climbing into the limo. She handed her a graduation gift and congratulated her for her success....and then she came back into her house and wept for her own daughter, her own pain.

That is how life happens to us sometimes - its circumstances kick us right where we live, where we are the most vulnerable, where we are the most sensitive, the most hurting. Ever had that happen to you? It knocks the breath right out of you. It can rob you of any trace of joy you've ever had. And it can bring with it an overwhelming sense of shame.

Shame reared its ugly head in my life yesterday. I had just had my bandage removed from my second surgery, along with the drain and half the clips from my second incision (sorry for that description if you're queasy). I was driving home (yep, I can drive again - my arm is really good), and I was realizing that I'd recuperated more quickly than I thought I would from this surgery.

That's good, but it's caught me off guard. I'd thought I would be lying around for at least three weeks, but what I didn't realize is that the first surgery was two or two and a half hours, while the second one was a mere half hour. So I had a fraction of the anesthetic with the second surgery, and I guess that's why I've snapped back so quickly.

So why the shame? Well, my area of shame has always been in living with the results I've had from not planning my life properly. Not disciplining myself to get up out of bed early enough in the morning, not committing myself to a job, or to school, not taking on enough challenges, not following through on plans I've made for fear I've made the wrong decisions, resisting structure because I wanted to be a free spirit, etc. etc. etc.

I know that this is a completely different situation because of the cancer, but the situation feels exactly the same - it's all-so-familiar turf, and I seem to revisit it SO often. It's November and I have probably a month to go before starting chemo, and I have nothing to do...no plans, no job, no life. Ack! And so, the shame resurfaces, despite the fact my head is telling me it's not my fault.

I want to point out that with shame, what the outside world sees and what we see are often completely different pictures. For example, ofttimes, I will see things in your life I wish I had, and I'll think your life is much rosier than mine, while you'll look at my life and see things you wish you had, and think my life is pretty peachy.

That's the annoying thing about people not being transparent with each other....sometimes we can feel so frustrated because it seems that the lives of others are so simple and attractive, when actually, they may be struggling with their own personal demons far more than we'll ever realize. Yet if we all keep our stuff to ourselves, nobody will know our secret battles. And I don't think that's very healthy overall for the human race. It breeds jealousy, competitiveness, envy and strife.

I don't mean to say that we should dump all our troubles on the guy riding next to us in the bus, but I do think there is a place for openness and honesty that can truly help set others free, and serve to liberate them from their own personal shame.

We can show each other that every life has its own share of sorrows and cares and hurts and complications, and that in the end, we're all in this together, each carrying his or her own load. Some loads are heavier than others, yes, but we most definitely have our own loads to bear.

Maybe I'll continue more on this tomorrow....

What are your experiences about shame? There's room below to comment (I believe you must have a Google account to be able to post) or you can send me an email at my private email address.

Don't have my private email address? If I type it out, big evil spam machines that search the net will pick it up and send endless spam mails to it, so here it is in code:  wendy"@"wendy dot ca  Did you get that? Take the quotes off either side of the commercial @ and put a period . instead of the word dot.  Pretty sneaky, eh?

BLACKBIRD   Sung by Sarah McLachlan

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly

Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You were only waiting for this moment to arise