- A Very Different Life

I was just speaking with someone tonight about my perspectives, this cancer, and life in general. Sometimes, we don't know just exactly what we believe until we hear ourselves say it, and then....well, then, we know.

Perhaps in audibly declaring something aloud, we proclaim it to be true; we draw a line in the sand; we acknowledge that what we've just spoken out loud is the truth, and that it's what we believe. And I guess that's what happened to me tonight.

We were talking about someone who has battled the Cancer Dragon and now appears to be free from all disease. This person has gone the distance, beaten the illness and is once again able to live a normal life. He is now free to resume normal activities, spend time with his family; go out and do the things he used to do; in short, be a 'regular' person again.

Except that he cannot. Now that it's all over, he is finding he's depressed. There's a certain hauntedness now; a dread, perhaps, that It Will Return.

A very normal, emotional and psychological reaction to a difficult set of circumstances once thrust upon him is now occurring, making normal life for him very 'not normal'. Sometimes the emotion hits its worst during the event, I suppose, and sometimes, it's in the aftermath.

It's completely understandable. Cancer changes you. It changes your life, your plans, your viewpoint on things. It arrests you in the middle of your very ordinary existence and thrusts itself upon you, whether you like it or not. It's very merciless that way, and each one of its victims (although I don't like that word) must find ways and means to deal with it as it happens.

Anyways, back to my conversation with my friend. As we were talking, before I knew it, the truth that I believe deep down came out of my mouth. "Well," I said, "I would rather live one more full year of fruitfulness and productivity and die at fifty-one than live until I'm seventy and die unfulfilled."

There is was...the truth that I believe...surprising even me. And I meant it, which means I didn't have to go to the bother of retracting it or re-explaining it.

"People stop living long before they die."

"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."  
                                                           - Oliver Wendell Holmes 

For me, the most dreaded words in the entire English vocabulary are these: ordinary, customary, mundane, boring, dull, run-of-the-mill, and usual. Yeccchh!

 













I don't want to be ordinary! Or dull! Or boring! Bland! There's enough of that everywhere! Enough banality! I want life to be exciting! Fun! Invigorating! Zesty!

Ok, so maybe zesty isn't for everybody. I mean, we can't all be nuts like me! We can't all have fun bursting into a chemo ward wearing silly wigs and Groucho Marx glasses (ok, so I haven't actually done this yet, but give me a couple of weeks....it's in the planning stages....)

And okay, so there have to be accountants in this life, and oncology doctors, and...well, you get the idea. And if Obama wore a clown face, it might not be so good for his public image. I get that. 

But sheesh! Can't we have a bit of fun in life? Beat the odds? Kick up our heels and laugh in the face of danger? Y'know, be kinda James Bond-ish? 

It would help us all so much to have a little more fun once in awhile!

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So here are some pics from the film shoot today....as it turns out, I didn't get my head shaved - just a short cut. We started with an interview between Liliana and I at the Jewish General.....

Then on to La Coupe, on the corner of Peel & Sherbrooke.....

.....and got the new do firmly in place. Maral was my very sweet and special hairdresser - she did such a great job of reassuring me, and cut just enough to be practical, but not enough to make me have a meltdown!

Can you tell I'm a wee bit too tired to smile here? So far, though, fatigue is the only side effect of the chemo, so no complaints! No nausea at all.

My bed is calling me-e-e-e-ee......   ;)